READ THIS

That's where I draw the line.

2009-03-18T22:42:06Z

I'm comfortable admitting that I take fiber supplements. I know, it's sort of a grandma thing to do, but let's face it: it feels good to be regular. I'm even comfortable buying fiber supplements. I will totally hand a bottle of tan, generic-brand pills to a Kmart cashier without hesitation. I will not, however, walk to the counter at Trader Joe's with a product that is prominently labeled "COLON CLEANSE." Seriously, TJ's, just call it fiber. We all know what it's for.

In which my lameness expands.

2009-03-10T17:46:10Z

Usually when I shave, I do my upper lip last. It's a routine that makes little sense in some ways: my upper lip was the first part of my face to grow hair, and for a while it was the only thing I was shaving. You'd think my system would have expanded outward from there.

But setting aside procedural anomalies, there is another disquieting trend suggested by this practice: I am secretly considering growing a silly little Brad Pitt mustache. Two or three times a week, I reach a point where I have to talk myself down and continue hacking off the stubble while some small part of me whispers, "Admit it, you look kind of good this way. Just leave it and see what happens."

Stop it, inner fashion victim. Don't be ridiculous.

Just sayin'.

2009-02-26T04:03:20Z

I don't consider myself informed enough to comment intelligently on Obama's address to Congress. I do, however, consider myself fashionable enough to comment on how much I loved Hillary's hot pink blazer. Nicely done, Mrs. Clinton.

Also, I'm sorry for dropping the ball on "The Regrettables" after only three episodes. (I'm sure you're all crushed.) As it turns out, the xtranormal format was fairly restrictive. I kept thinking of jokes that wouldn't work for one reason or another, so in the end I moved on. Maybe some day I'll think of another web comic format that works better. Or maybe I'm just not cut out for web comics. It's a cutthroat world.

Look at me, conjugating verbs!

2009-02-20T20:23:16Z

StudySpanish.com is probably the single greatest thing to happen to my New Year's Resolution ever. No, really though. Randomly generated quizzes? Study guides? Free? I am so going to gain a conversational grasp of this language.

How long has it been?

2009-02-18T14:42:18Z

I never blog anymore. Recently, I've been wondering about my sudden lack of urge to share here. Is it about self-assurance? Do I have the strength to no longer beg for attention on the internet? Maybe it's a drop in confidence, and I just no longer believe that my stories are worth telling. Maybe I'm focusing on more important things. Maybe the artistic fulfillment I got from acting made writing temporarily unnecessary.

Nope. None of those things. As it turns out, my one-sentence Facebook status updates target the same amorphous desire as a full blog entry, only in a more efficient manner. I learned this when I posted a status update about Ricardo's show. I won't be able to change it until the play closes, and that fact has sent me crawling back to Livejournal.

By the way, you should all go see "Dalton Trumbo's Johnny Got His Gun" when it opens.

Also, on a different tangent, I finally bought and set up a keyboard. Maybe I'll learn to play the piano again!

See it.

2009-02-06T17:22:24Z

Ricardo is doing a one-man show. I might be a touch biased, but I think he's one of the more intelligent and talented people I've ever met, and thus I whole-heartedly recommend this production, even though I have not yet seen it.

The website is here:

Dalton Trumbo's Johnny Got His Gun

I'll be going at least twice. You should come with.

Wrong indeed.

2009-01-31T06:25:32Z

Thanks to Brie, I am addicted to Wrongsmith. I may never listen to good music played by real instruments ever again.

Focus

2009-01-21T22:22:30Z

I used to be able to focus on things. Perhaps I'm mistaken, but I swear I can remember a time when I could read a book for two hours or write until I forgot how long I had been writing or stay in one place for an afternoon without difficulty. Now, I barely have the attention span to sit through an entire movie. I can't get myself to see any one task through to completion, leaving me with nothing but beginnings and frustrations. I'm not sure what's behind it, but it's clearly something I need to work on. Maybe I just haven't found something about which I feel passionately. Maybe I've simply grown dispassionate. Either way, it's going to be a long winter if I don't get my groove back.

Because some people actually read this nonsense.

2009-01-15T15:56:52Z

I know, I'm woefully behind in posting the next episode of "The Regrettables." My mind has been consumed with other things. Why not head over to Hermitosis.com and read my hilarious review of "My Bloody Valentine" instead? (And, as usual, click the banner ad while you're there.)

Speaking of reading my work: on Monday, someone outside Toronto read over 300 of my previous entries. Thank you to my mysterious Canadian fan for making me feel momentarily important and worthwhile. Isn't that all any blogger wants? To have some stranger stumble upon us and be all, "Well, this person has something to say!"

Ah, sweet internet validation.

You thought it was over.

2009-01-06T01:46:38Z

The Regrettables, Episode 3

What to even say?

2008-12-29T22:51:22Z

So this is Christmas.

I skipped town this year to visit Ricardo's clan in California. A play-by-play, or even a highlights reel, would end up feeling long and boring, and the experience was anything but. I'll tell you about it in person some time. Suffice it to say that it was a learning experience in a number of ways, and I have come home definitely happier, hopefully smarter, and probably heavier.

The main thing I gained, other than the excess cookie weight, is the realization that I don't give Ricardo nearly enough credit. My insecurities make it easy for me to retreat into the idea that he is only mildly interested in me. Part of me will always be the sixth grader who wasn't invited to parties by the popular kids, and that aspect of my personality wants to see our relationship as something that I cling to desperately, struggling to hold his attention until he figures out what a clod I am. As it turns out, such beliefs are what make me a clod. The boy is head over heels for me, and it's a disservice to him not to acknowledge and appreciate that fact. He invested so much time and energy in me this week, and all because he derives genuine joy from sharing with me.

I didn't bring my laptop or charge my cell phone and I didn't make plans. I let him show me his hometown, his high school, his family and friends, his favorite places. He made me laugh when I was angry and sob with the intensity of our happiness. It was all unexpected and all perfect, even the times when we got grumpy and bickered. I generally hate writing sappy entries like this, but the exception must be made because he is exceptional, and I'm just starting to recognize the extent to which that is true.

How do you do it?

2008-12-17T04:40:18Z

OK, friendly friends, I am once again in need.

I've found myself worrying more and more lately. I've gotten really good at picking things completely outside of my control and fussing about them. It's led to some emotional confrontations that I didn't need to have. How can I avoid getting worked up over things that are far in the future and out of my hands anyway? Help me freak out less.

Thanks!

Episode 2

2008-12-16T00:12:06Z

Yes, I am for some reason still keeping up with this web series nonsense.

Episode 2 of "The Regrettables" is now up and running.

I know, you were dying with anticipation.

AMPAS, you got some 'splainin' to do...

2008-12-12T23:48:06Z

It's not that I don't think Hugh Jackman is fun to look at and all, but does anyone else find it odd that he was chosen to host the Oscars? I mean, if I was selecting people to host the Oscars, I'm not sure I would even put him on the list. Again, I'm not saying I don't enjoy the man: talented actor, hot body, reasonably charming, but for serious, I have never once thought of him as the kind of person who stands on a stage by himself for three hours and entertains a crowd. Did no one else want to? Was every comedian in the world busy that day? Hugh Jackman? Dude, young women and gays are already going to watch, you don't need to tempt us with man candy. I dunno, it just doesn't make sense.

Oh, nothing much.

2008-12-10T21:06:28Z

I feel the urge to update my Facebook status about a hundred times a day, which means that I probably need to just start blogging again. Or that I need to disconnect my Twitter account from my Facebook and just start tweeting. (I once vowed I would never use that term. Damn it.)

Anyway, my sleep has been wacky lately. I'm finding it difficult to get the deep sleep I'm used to, so instead I have weird dreams and wake up feeling less refreshed than usual. There haven't been changes to my caffeine intake, diet, or other daytime routines, so I'm at a loss as to the cause of this issue. I have an enormous comforter, so I don't think I'm too cold during the night, but maybe I should try going to bed in sweats or something just to see if it helps.

My iPod Touch is coming tomorrow, and I am unreasonably excited. The part that I'm most jazzed about is the ability to upload my digital copy of Wall-E so I can bring it with me wherever I go.

I have made cleaning my room a low priority, but looking around at the state of things, I now see what a mistake that was. I think I have a project for myself after rehearsal tonight.

OK, that's the majority of my inane ramblings. The usual mushy stuff about how I love my boyfriend continues, but I think we can just have that as an unspoken constant from now on. We're already the cutest couple in creation, and I'm simultaneously unbearably proud and deeply self-conscious about that fact.

Trying something new.

2008-12-09T03:39:06Z

OK, kids.

I found this website where you can (for now) post free animated videos. So I thought it would be fun to design a brief web series. I'm planning to post once a week with the latest installment of my hilarious show. Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the pilot webisode (I hate myself for using that word) of "The Regrettables."

CLICK ME!

It won't get any funnier than that ever, so you may or may not want to bother checking back every Monday.

Redemption.

2008-12-06T16:45:33Z

I've talked to many of you about this in person, so sorry if this is a repeat.

A while back, my office stopped giving out cash bonuses in favor of a points system. Points could then be redeemed through an online catalog for goods and services. It felt like grade school, where you sell candy to your neighbors and relatives so you can get enough points for a calculator watch. My initial bonus was enough to earn me some new forks or something lame, so I dismissed the whole scenario as cheap and tacky and basically forgot about it for a couple years.

Last week, after accruing another small bonus for some nominal good deed or other, I got curious and decided to check in on my non-money. I figured maybe I'd have saved up enough to get something almost useful.

As it turns out, I had enough points to buy a new refrigerator. Or a 26" television and a Nintendo Wii. Or two skydiving trips and a ride in a hot air balloon. Like, actual stuff. Plane tickets. Hotel rooms. I was drunk with power!

I've spent the days since then thoroughly obsessing over how to use my newfound wealth. I'm anxious about wasting the points and then not having enough for something big and exciting later. On the other hand, I'm also worried that I'll sit on them for years on end and never buy anything (as I have already done for so long), and if I never use them, then what's the purpose of even receiving a bonus? Eventually, I caved and redeemed a small portion of my earnings for an iPod Touch, which will hopefully reduce the infinite envy I feel for others' iPhones. I still have a bunch left over, however, which I will probably continue to horde like a greedy dragon. One day, I'll partially furnish my new apartment with the points system.

Because we need all the advice we can get.

2008-12-05T15:28:40Z

I've previously pimped Tom's horror blog here, mostly because I write an occasional (and awesome) column for him. Today, I'm going to throw a little more traffic his way by encouraging you to visit Arcanalogue, his positively brilliant tarot website. His quest to apply the deck's archetypes to everyday life, and vice versa, has yielded some exceptional insight. In particular, I'm a fan of his new "Draw One Card" button, which provides you a single, random image and description on which to muse. Those of you interested in more thorough guidance can contact Tom through the site for personalized readings or even Tarot lessons. If you're even half-interested, I hughly recommend taking the plunge. He knows what he's talking about.

Not that Ricardo has anything to worry about, but...

2008-12-04T05:12:14Z

I'd like to thank shaneface for linking to this video. Images like these remind me that if I ever decide to sleep with a woman, I am absolutely going to find a big gal. These ladies just seem like a whole lot of fun.

Then again, I'm a skinny boy dating a skinny boy, so my pro-chunk messages carry only so much resonance, you know?

I'm still here.

2008-11-29T14:36:33Z

My god, it's been so long since I updated this thing that I don't even know where to begin.

I've been going through another highly introspective period. It has come to my attention that I don't always understand my actions and reactions as well as I maybe should. I know what I'm doing, but not why I'm doing it. There are plenty of insignificant, specific examples I could offer, but each is unnecessarily couched in a long, boring story. The point is that I don't always recognize why something makes me angry, why I am sensitive to certain topics, why I shy from things... my instincts, while not inherently incorrect, are nonetheless confusing. Figuring some of those little nuts and bolts out will probably help me immensely in feeling like a whole person.

"Feeling like a whole person" is sort of the running theme this winter. I was alerted to this need on Thanksgiving. I brought Ricardo to meet my family, and it was the first time that I was completely out to my aunts, cousins, and grandmother. Nothing changed. It was the exact same Thanksgiving dinner that would have happened if he hadn't been there, and that was the best feeling in the world.

Another holiday tradition: making all the kids perform. Though I thought I was past that stage, I was still wrangled into sitting at the piano and half-remembering a song to play and sing. In college, I could accompany myself on "Wicked Little Town" from "Hedwig and the Angry Inch," so I plunked out a scrappy first verse. It was pretty lackluster, but people were impressed, and it reminded me that there are things that I am, or could be, good at. The world is so full of accomplishment, and it's easy to feel like just a guy at a desk. It's important to remember that I have skills, even if I'm not using them.

Of course, I'm still the same ball of insecurities I was two weeks ago. I have growth left to achieve. But I have a goal. For a brilliant moment on Thursday, I felt intensely good about myself even though I would have, in any other circumstance, defined that performance as a failure. I couldn't remember what notes to play or what lyrics to sing, I didn't know any other pieces to play, and there were people in the room who could have sung or played much better. That kind of didn't matter. I just need to feel that support even when it's not right next to me. I'm never going to be the smartest or most talented or richest or best dressed. I will never be as intelligent and skilled and beautiful and successful as I want to be. But I'm doing OK, and people like me, and not everybody needs to be a god damned genius anyway. It will be better for me to learn to take pride in, and maximize on, those things I can do, rather than lamenting over everything I can't.

And I was so good there for a while.

2008-11-11T22:22:50Z

Sorry for anyone who was hoping that I'd start updating my blog more regularly. Of course, if that's one of the most exciting prospects in your life right now, then we maybe both have some reprioritizing to do, yeah?

I'm feeling highly fulfilled because I made Ricardo a birthday present (the identity of which will not be revealed until after tomorrow on the off chance that he's reading this). It wasn't difficult, but if I had thought about it, I would have made two and given him the second one. As with all things, there is a learning curve, and the first is seldom the best. So essentially, his present is a prototype. But what's done is done, and I still feel kind of cool for having created it at all. I'm high-strung and high-maintenance and needy and self-centered and petulant and moody and difficult in a million other ways, but every now and again I am an awesome boyfriend. Which is good, because right now I have a completely awesome boyfriend.

The swell of emotion.

2008-11-05T17:14:33Z

I was in Union Square last night, having a productive, supportive, affirming conversation with Ricardo, as election results continued to roll in. He hopped on the train about a minute before Obama hit 270 electoral votes. I didn't watch the news as it happened, but I immediately knew. First a woman began to scream "He did it!" into her cell phone. Then the doors opened and the groups of people poured onto the sidewalks. There were cheers and shouts everywhere. Strangers were congratulating each other across the street. We were all smiles. It was such a swell of relief and hope and victory. I was beaming when I got home, glad to be a part of it all.

I woke up this morning to the news that Prop 8 is almost certain to pass in California, and my buzz was instantly killed. Other than the standard parental disapproval and the occasional shouted slur, I have been largely protected from the more dire consequences of homophobia. People I love have been compelled to remain closeted, shunned by their families, and even physically attacked, but I have skated by. It has been easy for me to write off individual incidents in my life as small actions from small people. This decision, however, is the first time that I have processed the intolerance and discrimination that have been there all along. I woke up honestly realizing that throughout my life, people who do not know me will hate me. I am not a citizen in this country like everyone else is, even in the eyes of the president I helped elect. My equality is in question.

This is not new for most people. It should not be new to me. But the sudden awareness has made me sick. My job now is to not reciprocate the judgment passed on me. It is time to avoid anger and cling to, as President Obama espouses, hope. I'm preaching to the choir in this blog, I suppose (and if I'm not, then seriously, with all my heart: fuck you and we're not friends), but I want to see true equality in my lifetime. I am going to get good and married one day.

I've figured some things out.

2008-11-04T22:10:32Z

I have done a lot of thinking about myself lately. While that's nothing out of the ordinary, the nature of that thinking and the conclusions yielded were both quite new. Thus, I will share them with you all.

After my last entry, I was eager to figure out who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. And while those questions certainly can't be answered in a day, I did make surprising headway simply by taking some time alone and then hashing things out with a close friend. One of the key lessons I've learned is that I am constantly in search of validation. However, I've tended to pursue this validation externally. This has created a twofold problem: 1) I have avoided risk for fear of losing others' approval, and 2) I have ceased to rely on my sense of self-worth to instill me with confidence. Hence my worrying, my need for new experiences, my constant desire for social interaction, and so forth.

I need to figure out what makes me happy. I mean, other than validation. To start, I'm going to write myself an affirmation. Is it tacky? Sure. But I need to get back in the habit of supporting myself. I need to lose the doubt and fear that are starting to limit me. I need to stop viewing "don't" and "can't" as the same thing. I need to stop waiting for permission. I might need to develop a competitive side, at least temporarily. I probably need to do things that I think I won't like and to seek that which I have previously avoided. I am going to set concrete goals to do some of the shit I always talk about doing but never do. I am going to believe in myself and assume the same of others rather than waiting for confirmation.

I realize that this is a large undertaking, and you shouldn't expect that I'll all of a sudden become this new person. (I don't.) On the other hand, the new year is just around the corner, and I plan on making one hell of a resolution.

(Also, speaking of drastic changes, if McCain wins tonight, I will move. I have committed to performances at the end of January, but I will spend from tomorrow until February 1st figuring out how to make a life for myself in another country. Like for really real. Peace out.)

I want to break free.

2008-11-03T16:21:54Z

I don't feel like myself lately.

There are a lot of factors piling up. Seasonal depression likely has a small hand in it; I'm often a little less chipper on cold, wintry mornings. But more importantly, I think that I lack the confidence and motivation I had when I got to New York. I moved here with a sense of adventure and determination: I had no plan, but I had a destination and a will to improve my life. I was doing something huge and scary and awesome.

Recently, I have realized that I am not that guy anymore. I lose my assurance in social settings and need to slow down and recharge more than I used to. The risks that used to excite me now make me nervous. I am less likely to believe that I can do something and more likely to come up with reasons why I can't. I think that I project a persona similar to the one I always have, but may not be nurturing the same thoughts internally. I have built a shiny house for my doubts and insecurities to live in.

This winter, I need to do some scary things, just to prove that I can. I should probably take a weekend trip by myself so I know I am still capable of it. It would probably also be best if I started volunteering my time for a charity, like I continually talk about doing but never do. It would help to be more proactive in establishing social engagements. Who knows, maybe I need to find another job or another apartment. Something needs to shake up, though, because complacency will make me someone I don't want to be.

Scary indeed.

2008-11-01T17:25:50Z

Last night taught me some things about physical comfort and the nastier aspects of my personality. I honestly had a good time, but the lesson learned is that even though I looked fabulous, I didn't eat much, I had trouble breathing, I was too hot, my head itched, my feet hurt, and my mobility was restricted. Those things combined made me easy to piss off, and so I ended up lashing out when I didn't need to. Ricardo, as usual, ended up patiently shouldering my undeserved wrath, and I definitely owe him a(nother) personal apology later today. But the moral of the story is that I need to monitor my tendency to become a total monster.

On the other hand, I looked kind of awesome. The evening's pictures don't really capture how cool the dress was, and I got all sorts of resourceful using socks to make fingerless gloves. Having had our fun, however, Ricardo and I have designed a more comfortable backup costume for tonight's party, which will allow us both to breathe a little easier.